Heide and I have now spent nearly six months and approximately 50,000 words in the company of Jeremy Clovenhoof, Satan’s earthbound alter ego and we feel we’ve got to know him quite well. He’s not the character we perhaps initially envisaged. He’s more human, earthier than either of us expected. He’s like the child we never wanted.
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| Clovenhoof – The child we never wanted |
Not only have we put a lot of ourselves into him; we’ve also learned a lot from him.
And so, with Valentine’s Day coming up, I’ve been wondering what our suburban devil has to tell us about love and romance.
Nearly everything that follows is either a direct quotation from or observation about our lad, Clovenhoof, taken from our part-finished novel.
On women in general…
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It’s wrong to seek out a woman just to get regular sex. Think of the housework too.
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Remember. Snare a woman and say goodbye to laundry duties forever.
On finding a woman…
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In personal ads ‘GSOH’ is code for ‘fat’
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‘Bubbly’ is code for ‘very fat’
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It’s fine if she has a great personality as long as she has all that superficial glitz too.
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Supermarkets are an excellent place to pick up women and other household goods.
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Singles nights are a good way to meet women. Or for just pointing and laughing.
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Sex dolls can be awfully life-like these days and often cheaper than a real woman.
How to dress for your first date…
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A smoking jacket will make you look debonair and sophisticated.
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Pop a toilet freshener in your pocket and you’ll smell like an alpine meadow all evening.
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Adult nappies should not be worn in a dating situation, convenient though they are.
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Shoes are overrated.
Making a first impression…
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Flowers placed at accident black spots wilt quickly. Be sure to get them while they’re still fresh.
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Get your wedding tackle out when you first meet her. It breaks the ice and avoids any future disappointment.
On your date…
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Impress her in restaurants by needlessly insulting the waiting staff.
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Show her you are a man of the world by drinking something classy. Like Lambrini. Or Irn Bru.
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Send food back even if it is perfectly fine. It will make you appear decisive and important.
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Don’t waste time sneaking a look at her cleavage whilst pretending to look her in the eye. Make your choice and stick with it.
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When a woman asks what you like about her, be sure to mention her arse.
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Offer to pay for the meal. Keep the receipt. You can use it as emotional blackmail later on.
After your date…
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At the end of a date, walk her home. Steal her spare house keys if you can.
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Before you offer her cash for sex, be aware that some women will do it for free.
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At the appropriate moment, compliment both her breasts. Don’t make one feel left out.
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If all doesn’t go as planned, show her the receipt for the meal and ask her to pay her half.
Follow Clovenhoof’s advice at your peril.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
